Murphy's Laws for
Rednecks
If you have a double first name, you won’t be able to spell either one
of them.
If you convince the sheriff that it's poison oak instead of
marijuana, it probably is.
If your latest home improvement project is designing and building a mailbox, it will look like a brick tombstone.
If your picture is hanging in the post office, it will be a perfect
likeness.
If you eat with your fork in one hand, it's because you gotta hold
your cornbread in the other one.
If your front yard needs mowing, you'll do it when
you get around to fixing the lawn mower.
If you want clean your ears, you will buy a package of bobby
pins.
If you say you are a songwriter, your true occupation is a truck
driver or a construction worker.
If you see shotguns at a shindig, it's a wedding, a family reunion or
a combination of both.
If you don't have any empty beer bottles for target practice, you
know it's your duty to empty some.
If want to be a NASCAR race driver, the cops will catch you
practicing on the Interstate.
If you pledge allegiance to the flag, it will be the flag of the
Confederacy
If you have relatives in jail, they were either growing, cooking, or
distilling.
If you need a way to get rid of cooties, you can do so by picking and
grinning.
If you get slicked up and dressed up, it will be for a special
occasion, like a monster truck race or a gun and knife show.
If you can't do something today, you’re waiting for the first of
the month when the check comes.
For every car you own with wheels on it, you are allowed to have 2-1/2 cars
up on
cinder blocks.
When you celebrate, it will be tomato planting
time, catfish bitin' weather, hog killing time, or openin’ of rabbit
season.
If you get a tan, it will be on your neck, your arms, or your butt
crack.
When you kiss a woman, you always remove your toothpick first.
If you own a car, you figure on spending most of your
free time trying to get it running.
If hold your nose when
singing, you can sound just like your favorite country music star.
If you need a cure for ailments, you will use whiskey,
tobacco, kerosene, turpentine or Vicks' salve.
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