Domestic Divia vs 
Grumpy Granny 
at Thanksgiving

DOMESTIC DIVA: There is nothing like a homemade Thanksgiving meal to celebrate the holiday and show your family how much you care.

GRUMPY GRANNY: There is nothing like calling all your friends and relatives to try to wrangle an invitation for dinner so you don't have to cook.

Remembering Autumn

I want to go back to the autumn of my childhood. I want to see piles of pumpkins at roadside stands.  I want to drink apple cider that doesn't come in plastic jugs.  I want to feel the crisp air in the mornings as I walk to school. I want to see a hint of frost on the ground that tells me the season is changing.  I want to observe the glorious riot of color as trees try to outdo each other. I want to gather leaves in hues of red, orange, and yellow.

False Teeth Fiasco

For those whose natural teeth have received a rejection slip from the tooth fairy, plastic choppers are somewhat better than the alternative of being a toothless old geezer. The thrill of being able to flash beautiful, white, plastic pearlies when you smile is unknown to those who still have their own natural choppers.

Assuming you have already been in the torture chamber and experienced the bloody, bone-cracking process of having your personal ivory collection extracted, you know about the waiting period between the chain saw massacre and the time when you can cancel the call to the Red Cross blood bank and look forward to being a medical student's next assignment. 

Do-It-Yourself -- Easy Assembly

Like Goldilocks and the three bears, we tried out all the chairs for size. This one was too big, this one too small, this one too stiff, this one too hard. Finally, we found a chair that was "just right." The way my luck usually runs, I figured it would be out of stock, but, no, they had one left in the back -- unassembled.

The wart has to go!

You've seen pictures of old women with warts on their nose. Soon that may be me. I have this nasty wart on my leg. I've tried to ignore it, but it will not go away. I've tolerated it about as long as possible. The wart has to go! 
 
Warts are an ancient plague, the sort of thing that legend and folklore are made of. Medical people say that warts are caused by a virus and stress. Folklore says they are caused by toads and curses. 

Where do they come from?

Where, oh, where do they all come from? I work during the week, and presumed that everyone else did too. From the looks of the Interstate in the morning going into the city, the whole world commutes to downtown.
 
Imagine my surprise the other day when I took a day off work and had to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart. Everyone will be at work, I thought. The place will be empty. I'll park at the front and run in and grab what I need in no time.
 
Wrong, wrong, oh, so wrong! The place was packed! It was almost as bad as it is on Saturday.

Invisible Dust

You may find this hard to believe, but it is absolutely true. I have invisible dust at my house. I know it is invisible because no one can see it except me. The furniture can have enough of the stuff to rival a hazardous waste dump, but my family continues in their daily activities, simply ignoring it as if it were not there. 
 
Surely, if they could see what I see, someone would say, "I think it's time to clean," and run full speed for the feather duster. 

You might have Swine Flu if...